


searching for our saving grace

by alicialeila



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, POV Castiel, Post 10x18, Schmoop, Season/Series 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 05:38:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3798757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicialeila/pseuds/alicialeila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas stills, trying to parse through what Dean just said.</p>
<p>“Dean,” he says, more calmly than he imagined he could. “I thought… I thought you were going to fight.”</p>
<p> <i>I can’t do it</i>, he thinks. <i> How could you ever believe that I could? <i></i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	searching for our saving grace

Castiel is sitting with Dean at the dining room table, in the bunker. Dean is eating a hamburger, with Cas waiting dutifully at his side. Sam and Charlie are in the library, doing what Castiel assumes is some kind of research.

Castiel still feels like he’s buzzing, his newly recovered grace thrumming familiarly inside him. Dean must be able to tell, somehow, because he eyes Cas and chuckles.

“I gotta say, man, I’m kind of relieved you got your grace back,” Dean smiles. 

Cas nods. “Yes, it’s always helped in a hunt.” Not being able to fly or fully heal was certainly an inconvenience. 

“Yeah I guess. But I was thinking more that it’s one thing off my mind, in case…” Dean trails off, eyes on his burger. Castiel’s eyes narrow.

“In case of what, Dean?”

“You know,” he repeats, shrugging. “When you need to do what we talked about. I know that you’ll be okay. And it might make it easier, having all your mojo. For you and for me,” he tries to joke.

Cas stills, trying to parse through what Dean just said.

“Dean,” he says, more calmly than he imagined he could. “I thought… I thought you were going to fight.”

“I’m gonna try, Cas,” he nods. “I promised Sammy I would. But be realistic, man. I ain’t got a very pleasant road ahead of me, and I won’t put anyone else in danger. We already went over this. Nothing’s changed. If anything, we know for sure there’s no way to get rid of this thing.”

“Dean,” he says again, his voice pleading. 

_I can’t do it_ , he thinks. _How could you ever believe that I could? _ ____

“Cas,” Dean replies, harsh. “Can we not?”

Cas sits quietly, trying not to stare at Dean, since he knows he hates it. Cas considers that bright red mark on Dean’s forearm. He imagines that if he were human, it would make him nauseous to look at it. Such a small little thing, and yet it has the power to destroy what he has come to hold so dear.

Recovering his stolen grace had been almost a miracle. It meant that he was no longer ill, that he was once again himself. It meant that he could return to the Winchesters’ side. _Cas is back in town_ , he remembers telling them not so long ago, when he’d returned to hunting. Well this time, it felt true on every level.

If he could have nightmares, he’s sure that they would be of Metatron, and that knife slicing through his skin, stealing a piece of him. Though he appreciated humanity, how could he not, losing his grace had left him empty and bereft. 

But then he recalls another memory—still Metatron, still the stuff of nightmares. But this moment, it’s Metatron telling him that Dean is dead. The pain he’d felt, it was also like a piece of him had been lost.

Castiel gets up from the table. Dean watches him.

“Where you off to?”

“I must return to Heaven,” he says. He wishes he didn’t notice Dean clench his jaw.

“Right,” Dean says quietly. “Have a safe flight.”

“I’ll be back soon,” Cas says, ignoring the sarcasm.

“Whatever Cas.” Dean doesn’t look at him, but Castiel can feel the anger radiating off of him. Castiel knows that these days, thanks to the Mark, Dean’s rage is out of his control. 

He hopes he can remedy that.

 

 

Castiel visits Hannah in Heaven. Just as Metatron had suggested, she has it working in perfect order. He feels proud of her; she is a good soldier, and a good friend.

She, however, seems hesitant to have him there. Cas recognizes that he is unwelcome, considering how he has just recently freed Metatron from his imprisonment. Just another thing to add to his list of crimes against Heaven, well intentioned as they may have been.

“Castiel,” Hannah greets him. “You've recovered your grace.” 

“Yes, Metatron… he led me to it,” he says, trying to be apologetic.

“I’m pleased for you,” she says. “But you must understand that can’t just break the rules as you wish, Castiel.”

“I’m sorry, Hannah,” he says. “I don’t mean to keep disappointing Heaven. I…”

“What do you want, Castiel?”

“I just need your help, a few answers. Please.”

“About what? You have your grace.”

“Yes. Did Metatron ever reveal anything more about the spell he used to shut down Heaven?” Castiel asks urgently.

“No,” Hannah replies, confused. She studies him for a moment. “Ah,” she murmurs. “This is about Dean Winchester.”

“It’s the Mark, yes. Metatron was lying about how to remove it.”

“And you thought he revealed the cure to us, here?”

“No I thought perhaps… perhaps you knew something of the spell. He used my grace. I thought that if it there is something about my grace, something that was strong enough to help close heaven, there must be a way that it can…”

“You want to give up your grace for Dean,” Hannah surmises.

Castiel says nothing. _Yes, of course_ , he thinks. _You know I would. ___

“I don’t understand. Castiel, you just got it back,” she shakes her head.

“Yes. But I am going to lose Dean.”

Hannah watches him for a moment, and Castiel stays silent. If anyone could understand, it would be Hannah. On Earth, she learned of family and of love; she learned of humanity.

“You love him.” It’s a statement, not a question.

_Yes, yes. Yes. _ ____

“I need to save him,” he says instead.

Castiel knows he has caused Dean more pain than one man should ever have to experience in a lifetime. And still, Dean considers him family.

_We’re family. We need you. I need you. ___

If Castiel has learned anything in his time on Earth, in his time as human, it’s that he needs Dean too. That Dean and Sam are family. If he can save his family, if he can keep it together, then he will do whatever he must. Dean would do the same.

“I’m sorry, Castiel,” Hannah says sadly. “I’ve never heard of a cure for the Mark.”

“I understand,” Castiel says. “Goodbye, Hannah. I’m sorry,” he says again.

“Goodbye, Castiel. Good luck.”

 

 

Castiel must find Metatron.

He may be a liar, and a thief, but he is a liar and a thief who has the demon tablet. If there were a cure for the Mark of Cain, the mark of the first Knight of Hell, surely it would be there. Unfortunately, while Metatron is irritating, he is not stupid. He knows exactly how to remain hidden from the angels. This certainly explains the fruitless hours that Castiel spends searching for him. But he can’t hide from everyone, forever. Cas knows he will have to ask Sam and Dean for their help, and Charlie too. Cas also knows that Sam will not want Dean to know what they’ve done behind his back. But Dean’s life is at stake, so frankly, Castiel doesn’t give a fuck.

(Castiel briefly considers the kind of language he’s picked up from Dean, then his thoughts move to other, more important things).

 

 

Castiel returns to the bunker, a few days having passed since his quick visit to Heaven. Sam and Dean are sitting at the large table, on their computers, and his abrupt arrival makes them both jump.

“Hello Dean,” he says. “Sam.”

“Hey, Cas,” Sam grins. 

“Jeez Cas,” Dean huffs. “Just like old times, I guess.” Castiel notices the hint of a smile.

“What’s up?” Sam asks.

“We need to find Metatron,” he says. 

“What do you mean, find Metatron?” Dean asks. “I thought he was in Heaven. You know, the big slammer in the sky?”

“Cas-” Sam starts, but Castiel cuts him off.

“Sam, please. It’s important. Dean, Metatron is not in Heaven. Sam and I brought him to Earth to question him about the Mark, and he led me to my grace.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Dean asks, his voice sharp with anger.

“Dean, he has the demon tablet. What if it could help? Since he’s the only one able to translate it, we need him. Alive.” 

“Back the fuck up,” Dean says, glaring at Sam and Cas. “Are you telling me the two of you fucking lied to me? Went behind my back and played detective, and then let Metatron get away?” 

“Please, Dean. I understand you’re angry, but we need to-”

“Screw you, Cas.” Dean gets up, and a few moments later they hear the door of his room slam shut.

“What the hell Cas,” Sam grits out.

“Sam, this is important. We need to work together, all of us. We’ll need Charlie’s help to find Metatron, too, since I doubt I’ll be able to locate him. He’s likely hiding from the angels.”

“Shit, Cas, I know it’s important. But do you know how pissed Dean is?”

“I’ll go talk to him.” Sam starts to argue, but Cas raises a hand to silence him. “Please, Sam. Get Charlie.”

Sam huffs out an angry breath, but gets out his phone anyways.

 

 

Castiel makes his way to Dean’s bedroom door, and knocks.

“Go away.”

“Dean, I-”

“Go away, Cas,” the angry voice repeats.

Cas opens the door anyways, acting much braver than he feels. Dean is lying on his bed, his headphones blaring. Cas waits for him to take them off, and after a moment he does. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says.

“You’re sorry,” Dean snorts. “That's great, Cas.”

“I’m sorry that we lied to you,” Cas says, his voice harsher this time. “But I will not apologize, ever, for doing everything in my power to save you.” Dean’s eyes go wide at that. “It was my job as your guardian to protect you, and now it’s my job as your friend, and your… your family,” he stumbles over the word, “to not give up on you.” 

“Shit, Cas.” Dean sounds tired, and he rubs his face with his hands as if to prove the point.

“I learned that from you,” he murmurs, and Dean closes his eyes. “Dean.” His eyes open. “Do you remember in purgatory? When you gave me your hand, and told me to hold on, and I let go? You were so angry at me for giving up… and I never understood.” 

Cas sits down on Dean’s bed, keeping a safe distance.

“But I… now I understand. I’m sorry that I lied… I swear there will be no more deception. I’m giving you my hand, Dean. I’m just asking you to hold on. Please.”

Castiel lays his hand in all the space between them. Dean stares at it. A heavy moment of silence passes. Slowly, Dean inches towards him, and grabs onto his hand.

“I’m fucking scared Cas,” Dean breathes out, his voice breaking.

“I know.” Cas squeezes his hand.

“What are we gonna do?”

“We’re going to find Metatron, and he will translate the demon tablet. And in that translation will contain the cure for the Mark of Cain. Then we will cure you.”

“Yeah?” Dean huffs out a laugh. “That easy, huh?”

“Yes,” Castiel nods. “It will be that easy.” He does not mention that he's imagined giving up his grace, and that he would do so without hesitation. That he would happily spend the rest of his days as human so long as he is by Dean’s side. That that was all he wanted when he _was_ human.

He does not tell Dean that he loves him, a kind of love that is not easy or simple or neat.

“You’re so full of shit,” Dean chuckles, wiping at his eyes.

“No, Dean,” Cas gives a small smile. “ _Hope __.”_

“You’re getting kinda cheesy, Cas,” Dean shakes his head. “ _Hold my hand, Dean_. You’ve been spending too much time with Sammy.” 

But Dean doesn’t let go of his hand, and Castiel is grateful.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first ever Supernatural fic! Sorry if I fudged canon at all-- let's just pretend that I took creative liberties.
> 
> The title is from The Maine's "Saving Grace."
> 
> Also, thanks to Vanessa (Vassbutt1991) for the encouragement! I've wanted to try my hand at this for a while. Let's see how it goes :)


End file.
